GOD-DEVIL PACT ROCKS CHURCH

By our religion correspondent St Francis of Cassisi

Religious orders were making "no comment" today after the shock revelation that God and the Devil - both recently making surprise appearances on earth - had come to an agreement after "extensive and wide ranging" talks, according to angel and goblin sources. Insiders on the religion scene are predicting a broad range of measures to combat what is seen as a slow-down in public awareness of the good-bad gulf. An angel is reported to have said that God was "disillusioned" by a drop in popularity ratings and it is thought that a number of new policy statements will be issued in the next few days as a result of the talks.

"It's early days yet" said a source close to a senior angel, "but there may be a breakthrough in the next few days on a number of issues which go back several million years."

Whilst it isn't clear exactly where these talks were taking place, religious followers were today claiming sightings of God in largely uninhabited areas of Baffin Land, and practitioners of the so-called "black arts" were claiming sightings of the Devil queuing for the Harrod's sales. More realistically, the two parties may well be meeting on a remote island near Tasmania.

Sport

These alleged meetings come at a particularly bad time for the participants (writes our sports correspondent, Sheila H Ghost), as religious issues are being cast into the shade by several millennium sporting and cultural events across the globe. The World Boxing Bonanza 2000 - due to take place in Bangkok in May 2000 - is an example: "Where is God?" says three time world champion gay black pharmacist flyweight Buddhist boxing star Phillipa Phlegm. "I'd like to believe she's watching over me, but I've put on two pounds thanks to the Devil". Cross-country runner Ovid Tentacle agrees: "it's just ridiculous, I've been walking nowhere just to get where I am, and nobody likes me!" Liverpool football coach Sven O'Blimey is a recovering alcoholic, and like many others is keen for God to make a statement about milk "just to square the circle".

Back to the Pews

Religious leaders were, however, united in their disapproval of media coverage of the talks. The Archbishop of Canterbury - after conversations with other church leaders across the globe - issued a short statement condemning the behaviour of what he called "sensationalists creaming their pants on nothing more than hearsay" and urged all church leaders to "soldier on in the face of adversity". When pressed by journalists on his true feelings about the meeting, the Archbishop - a keen sports follower - let slip "I hope God wins".

Other church leaders were less optimistic of the outcome. Brian Wian - leader of the hugely popular Only True Church of Christ Nuclear Families Social Hegemony Wittgenstein Morecombe and Wise Eighth Day Purple Haze Bachman Simpson Lords Prayer sect (OTCCNFSHWMWEDPHBSLP) - said: "No, no, and again no!! What was the question?".

Morality

By Mervyn

People of the world held their collective breath. Would God do a deal on abortion? Did God believe in the death sentence? Was there a First Coming? A Second? A Third, even? Or would The Devil have his wicked way? Or was The Devil a woman ? A squirrel? And if you kill someone, is there salvation? They wanted to know if God was an old white guy with a long white beard rather like Santa Claus or a cloud of supernatural gas that wafted about all over the place. Was God the Most Wonderful Idea Ever or so profound as to be beyond the limited imagination of the ordinary person.

In The City

By our city correpondent Iva Dealforyou

Millions of heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, battered, frustrated, suicidal, intrigued, uncertain, philosophical, happy, sporty, spunky, silly, nervous people of all shades gathered in Leicester Square for no apparent reason. Then they went home again. And this happens every day. What's going on? Will God sort it out? What am I doing here?

Editorial

Many people will talk a lot of nonsense! It's funny, but true! This paper stands for people who like paper and holds very strong views on why people should buy paper full of stuff rather than blank paper they can write on. Not that we're against people who write with a free will things what they want or things what they like. Except if we don't like it we'll make bloody sure nobody else does. And if we do that well, then people will have second thoughts about it.

After all, God is having second thoughts. All that flurry of activity millions of years ago is beginning to tell, and - believe me - God isn't so sure any more. No disrespect, but we're wondering if God even remembers some of his creations. In a sense, you could say that The Devil has nothing to lose by this current dialogue, it's to his advantage.

Realistically, we're on God's side. But we're prepared to listen to the arguments, and - let's face it - a modern paper has to, in everyone's interest. The Devil's got a few things to say, and just because he's the Devil, it doesn't mean we're not going to try and get a story out of his side of things. That's what we're here for!

Better the Devil you know...

January 1999