A RABBIT SPEAKS

Exaggerating the worth or hi-fidelity marginalises the inconsequence of vague meandering involving several sanguineous poems all trivial to the point of exhaustive reiteration partly due to the livid retention experienced by less able-bodied hermaphrodites heading for points west in a sparsely regimented soliloquy of parsimonious adulterous beings, inept to the point of wiping stentorian niggles within which the egg-heads round up all those unwilling to participate in a rousing verse of Latin conjugation and rambling metaphysics punctuated by an almost unearthly aptitude for long-winded demagoguery last seen as long as three nightmares ago as it flew past one in a spangle of tin openers which rested loosely on the wings of an incoming flight from the nether regions of unforgiving mountains well before the shining bruises of the next of kin, who even as we spoke were passing the time of night in the slipstream of virtual seahorses who themselves had had quite a night of it thank you very much, would we so kindly make way for their insoluble distemper for at least a couple of songs, written, produced and casting nets only for the tiddlers which by that time had decided the party must be nearly beginning and high time to shake the fins and slap an a bit of extra salt just in case an attractively-spoken shark with a neat line in sleeveless jumpers just happened to fall as if from a passing crane onto the handsomely padded lean-to ironing board placed irritatingly close to a rather anxious school of wading gerbils smoking banana-skin reefers and referring to the hostess as the one with the big tail telling tall stories and passing around the whitebait as if no-one had ever met them before, let alone in -let's face it - one of the more inelegant of re-cast trawlers two lagoons short of an atoll with not so much as a by your leftovers in a used Tesco shopping trolley with at least one wheel missing and a lot else besides. "Why, oh why?" said Dorothy the snake-charmer, wriggling her way into a sulk that was to last until someone ushered her into a fish tank filled with custard and making the kind of noise you only hear when fifteen kippers are trying to balance plates and eat curry at the same time. Later that night it was much darker, although as it became morning it became lighter again, although that was only a prelude to it becoming dark again some time later by which time it was night and the whole ghastly thing started all over again, punctuated only occasionally by the strain of hamburger baps whistling as they escaped the clutches of captain ketchup and his equally gruesome sidekicks. It was no understatement to say that had this gone on much longer, we would all have been in quite a pickle; Rodney breathed a great sight of disbelief when finally Lieutenant Wonderful appeared grasping what we all believed to be the vital clue that so far had eluded some of the greatest criminal minds this side of the Basingstoke one-my system. It was a small ratchet design trouser press with cling film inserts as used by Indonesian crepe wrapping followers of the Dutch orthodox church, not seen since the fateful voyage of Sir Wobble Incontinent on his greatly publicised but sadly incompetent traversal of a pelican crossing south of Chippenham on his way to proposing to Lady "Chipmunk" Balls-Pending, of the renowned Balls-Pending gusset manufacturing empire, daughter of Sir Lord Duke and Lady Bladder-Smarting Ball-Pending, trained by Esmerelda Cash-Botham and ridden by Archie "Excuse Me" Thrush-Hamster. Whichever way you looked at it, here was an ideal opportunity to put one in the eye of the aristocracy, let alone this miserable collection of half-educated, ill-dressed, pigeon-toed, Crosse-and-Blackwell, shiver-me-timbers, knock-kneed, get-your-hands-off-my-bottom, lily-livered, tongue-tied, grub-spitting, miserable-shopping, stiff-lipped, squint-eyed, cauliflower-eared, pass-the-aubergine, cack-handed, quick-tempered, no-nonsense, silly-bastard, eyebrow-twitching, knee-trembling, mine's-a-gin-and-brown-ale-with-a-hint-of-campari, fart-pumping, er, chaps.